Hi Friend,
When we send out these messages, we are usually talking to two audiences...those who have done the "Between Men and Women" Workshop, and those who haven't. If you have taken the workshop, keep reading for a reminder to take with you moving forward. If you haven't completed the workshop yet, here's a valuable lesson we hope will serve you right away.
While there are many behaviours that can cause an argument to get out of hand, a leading one is a “need to be right”. That’s where one or both of you are firm that your view is the right one, and you are going to get your partner to see that no matter what.
You know you’re caught up in this when you find yourself trying to think of what to say next without really hearing what your partner has to say. They’re talking and you see lips moving, but your mind is focused on what you have to say next to get your point across.
It’s not hard to see how this can cause an argument to escalate fast. I mean think about it. If you don’t feel you’re being heard, doesn’t your frustration sometimes get the best of you? As a result, you yell louder, cry harder, ignore longer, or withhold more. And the snowball starts.
How do you get off that train? Try these three steps:
- First, be aware and conscious that you’re in “being right” mode. Are you genuinely listening to what your partner is saying or are you formulating your next attack? Obviously, this takes some skill to be self-reflective to even see your own need to "be right" in the first place.
- Second, be willing to see there are two valid viewpoints – yours and your partners. Remember, “valid” doesn’t mean you agree. It just means another viewpoint exists, a viewpoint that is just as valid to your spouse as your viewpoint is to you. Intellectually we know there are other viewpoints besides our own but just notice how in "real life" you may be somewhat threatened by another point of view besides your own.
- Finally, be willing to take your attention off your point of view for a moment and try to understand where you partner is coming from. Again, understanding doesn’t mean you agree with what your partner is saying. But if you don’t understand, how can you address his or her concerns and perspective intelligibly? And you never know … when you understand what your partner is trying to say, you may see something you hadn’t thought about before…something that may lead to a better resolution than you had in mind yourself.
Following those steps is one way to engage in healthy disagreements that respect one another even while you have different perspectives, rather than destructive arguments that seek to judge, blame, and overpower the other person.
Now, I know this can be hard. When your "lizard brain" kicks in and you get reactive it can be hard to stop that momentum. The foundational step is simply being willing...willing to be respectful, willing to set aside blame, and willing to see things from the other person's perspective. Willingness can't be taught but is more a personal attitude. If you are willing, the rest can be learned and practiced to a state of mastery. Taking these steps can diffuse things and let calm heads come to a calm resolution.
So here’s a challenge…
The next time you feel an argument shaping up, try to slow yourself down. Notice if you are actually listening to what your partner is saying or if you are already formulating what you’re going to say next to make your viewpoint obvious. Do you truly understand where the other person is coming from, or are you focused only on getting your perspective across? If its the latter, avoid escalating things by really listening to what your partner is saying, which in itself can lead to a resolution that respects both of you.
In short, seek first to understand, and then to be understood. According to Marianne Williamson in Everyday Grace, "...when we disagree with someone, our intention should not be that their eyes be opened to our point of view, but that our eyes be opened to theirs."
The "Between Men and Women" Online Couples Communication Workshop on June 27-28 is all about exactly that - understanding your partner, and being understood, possibly at a deeper level than you thought possible up until now.
When Jason used to get triggered about something that was going on with me or that I said, he started consciously, and with effort at first, to pause and remind himself what could be going on with me that has me be reacting the way I am before saying anything. That's "Between Men and Women" in action, and helped avoid untold arguments.
For complete details of what you can expect from the workshop visit: https://www.BetweenMenAndWomen.com .
Online registration is now available, so if you are ready to join us on June 27-28, click here to register: "Between Men and Women" Registration
If you have any questions or concerns, please don't hesitate to call me at 403-455-9351, or email donna@betweenmenandwomen.com .
To Your Greatness!
Donna
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