Hi Friend,
We did a couple's retreat last weekend and I want to share with you a bit about what I taught in that retreat.
One of the biggest things that will help you to move forward is :
Practicing a positive/constructive energetic exchange that acts as fuel for one another and for you two as a team.
I call this the "Sacred Circuit" and basically what it is in a nutshell is to not only be willing to listen to what it is your partner wants but know how to give it to them ... without compromising yourself!
By the way, this only works when it goes BOTH ways ... not just in one direction.
One way or another EACH of you has to learn, understand and honor a practice like this because ...
... If you don't have this type of an exchange going on, you will either have a hostile (negative) exchange or there will be NO exchange (you'll simply be ignoring one another).
Both of those options ... "negative exchange or no exchange" will literally snuff out your connection and your marriage/relationship.
Here's what I really want you to hear in this email ...
It's not ONLY the negative stuff or the conflict that kills us ...
It's the LACK of highlighting the positive stuff that also leaves our marriage/relationship vulnerable and at risk.
I remember clearly what one participant said in his retreat years ago ... "This is all fine and good but it's much more than positive thinking" and he was absolutely right ....
... you have to DO something positive/ constructive, if you are struggling AND you have to DO something positive/ constructive even if you aren't struggling... (this is where what I call The Sacred Circuit counts for so much).
In fact, research shows that in the area of marriage, those couples that make it to the Deep Connection stage ... (the stage that comes after the Disillusionment/ Conflict stage, where 80% of all couples are stuck)...
... make a POINT of "taking positive action".
This is one of the big reasons WHY those couples make it to the safe, secure stage.
They take the action that gets them there... ....every single day.
So ... referring to something I talk about in the retreat these days ... to make it work, you have to honor the "Parieto Principle of Partnership" ... commonly known as the 80/20 Rule ... of marriage.
It looks like this:
1) There may be a small number of things that have to be stopped because they simply sabotage us and our marriage in a BIG way ... (criticism, living in the past, judgment, blame and assuming the worst about our partner)
...and...
2) There may be a small number of things that should be included and honored simply because they work to promote and sustain our connection in a BIG way ... (be present, listen for what your partner wants & needs from you, etc).
***remember this ... A woman wants to know she will get her man's attention and presence, that she is cherished, safe and that her man will "move" for her in the areas that are important to her.
***remember this ... A man wants to know he is valued, appreciated and respected for what he does and brings to the marriage/relationship and that she truly believes in him.
These days I tell couples about the 4 characteristics that researchers have shown that when present, signal that divorce or a split up is inevitable, IF there is no intervention.
The 4 characteristics in a marriage/ long term relationship that signal a divorce/split up is coming are:
1) criticism 2) contempt 3) defensiveness 4) stonewalling ----------------------------------------------- So...what can you do immediately to help yourself and your partner if you've got any of these going on?
1) Practice being present, grounded and "in your body" when you have a conversation with your partner.
2) Stop taking everything your partner says personally and just listen for their "feeling experience" and listen for what they want.
3) Learn about ways to calm your reactive primitive "lizard" brain so that you can truly show up to listen.
4) Have you considered meditating on a regular basis? Mindfulness has been proven to help us be present in our day to day conversations and is known to have a positive impact on all of our relationships.
5) Be willing to find and consider your part when there is a breakdown in your communication ...
... that is ...
do you have anything to do with any of it?
... and when you see your part, could you both be willing to acknowledge it and share that with one another?
Could your part be something as simple as you, over reacting to what your partner has been trying to tell you?
6) Look for points of approval and
appreciation and verbally share those with one another.
Don't skip over or make light of the "good" stuff ... in fact ...make a big deal about anything good you can find. Go get the good!
7) Soften up and pay attention to the quality of your "tone" every single time you open your mouth to speak to your partner ...
... I repeat ... every single time!
Be willing to watch yourself ... ... like a HAWK!
Before you open your mouth... ask yourself this, "what is my tone?".
8) Honor your word and your promises... do what you said you would do.
9) Be careful that you don't spend all of your energy trying to "fix" the past. Rather, begin to practice that which is positive... ...THEN when you have some wind under your sails you can go back and take a look at what you think may have happened and here's how to do that:
Step 1 Acknowledge the facts about
what happened Step 2 Find and acknowledge your part Step 3 Apologize for your part Step 4 Ask your partner... is there anything I can do to help make you feel safe and secure NOW moving forward? -----------------------------------------------
Okay ... well THAT was a mouthful and a l-o-n-g email.
Just so you know, Jason and I are
If you are in the Calgary area, we'd love for you to bring a friend or two or just yourself ... come on down and join us.
Listen ... did you know that eight out of ten couples are struggling with the communication in their relationship and so really ....
... who couldn't use to improve the communication with their significant other, so that they can both have a better life.
So feel free to share this link with your friends and/or family and they can join us on April 8th where we will share some of the distinctions that 100's of other couples have learned in the couple's retreats that we have been running for almost 15 years. You owe it to yourselves, don't you?
Take care and I'll talk to you soon.
To Your Greatness!
Donna Tosky "Queen Of Connection", Couple's Love Coach 403 455-9351
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