Hi Friend,
It's Jason here. Yesterday (June 6) was Donna's birthday. I'm a big believer that birthday's shouldn't be celebrated on just one day. A birthday celebration should be extended over a whole week, or at the very least, make it a "birthday weekend".
I was thinking about that idea this morning. Then it occurred to me, why couldn't we, in a sense, celebrate someone's birthday everyday throughout the year. I mean, what do we do on a birthday...
- We pay attention to the birthday boy or girl;
- We tell them what they mean to us and how important they are;
- We put aside whatever "negatives" we might have in our perception, and focus on the good.
In short, we celebrate them. We can do that whenever we want, not just one day per year.
What does that have to do with your relationship?
Well, if celebrating your partner's birthday everyday sounds weird to you, what about celebrating your marriage everyday...kind of like having an anniversary everyday?
That's kind of the same thing as what I talked about above:
- You celebrate where you've been together daily.
- You pay attention to one another.
- You focus on the positive about each other and your relationship, rather than the challenges.
Now, depending on where you're at in your relationship, celebrating it everyday either sounds exciting, or it sounds like a tall mountain to climb.
If things are going well between you, you probably already celebrate one another in one form or another. Celebrating your relationship everyday could seem like a way to take things to the next level.
If things aren't going so well, the negatives are probably so front-and-centre that it's hard to imagine celebrating your partner and relationship once a year let alone throughout the year.
Regardless of which of those scenarios sounds more like your situation, here's a simple exercise you can do right now that can start shifting your relationship, if you really want it to.
Here it is - "Get the Good".
Getting the good is a core tool we talk about in the "Between Men and Women" Online Couples Communication Workshop (BTW, the next workshop is on June 27-28).
Getting the good is just that...looking for the good in your partner and in your relationship everyday.
If things are going well, this could look like putting extra attention on all the good you already see, and sharing this with your partner to celebrate them and the relationship ongoingly. Donna does this with me all the time. It's great to hear. It really builds the sense of connectedness between us.
If things aren't in such a good spot right now, getting the good could be just trying to find something ... anything ... good to appreciate about your spouse and/or relationship, even if you keep it to yourself for now. Did he take out the garbage without being asked? Did she give you some down time after work? Is he a good father? Is she a good mother? There's ALWAYS something good to find if you're willing to look for, and acknowledge it.
Beware! A little psychological tendency called "negative bias" can trip you up.
Negative bias is simply the natural tendency people have to see, or put emphasis on, negative events in their lives over positive events.
If you're struggling in your relationship right now, negative bias is dominating and is likely clouding everything. As a result, it may take a little extra effort to acknowledge that your partner has good traits and does good things all the time. The extra effort, however, is worth it. What you focus on tends to be what shows up, so if you want more good, look for it, and focus on those things you find.
To Your Greatness!
Jason |
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