Hi Friend,
When women come out of the "Between Men and Women" Online Couples Communication Workshop, one of the most common reactions they have is,
"I finally know I'm not crazy!"
Why do women feel like they're going crazy? Well, let's take a look...
1) "Dual" Thought Processes
In the workshop we explain that men are natural producers. Their thought process reflects that...it's linear, one-step at a time, finish one cycle before starting the next.
Women are also producers, but they are most themselves when they drop into their desire...getting present to the experiences they want in life.
Production and Desire have two different thought processes. As mentioned above, production requires linear, step-by-step planning and action. Desire, on the other hand, is different. It changes based on emotions, on self-image, on the experiences we have or that we see others having, on what other people say or on what we say about ourselves. It's a moving target.
Of course, both men and women have desires and need to produce. Women, however, have a more emotional relationship with their desire, so managing this duality can be particularly difficult. Desire is a big part of who they are, but what that looks like is changeable. And when they try to reconcile that changeability with the required steadfastness of producing day in and day out, it can be, well, crazy-making.
2) Desire Isn't Always Steady-State
As I said, desires change, and getting clear on desire isn't always easy. As a result, women can feel like they're "bouncing" around without a solid compass to guide them and their actions.
3) The World Tends to See Production As More Valuable Than Desire
The world says producing is what matters and even makes desiring wrong at times. To a woman, however, desire isn't wrong. In fact, as I said, it's an integral part of who a woman is and of what has her feel good. This contradictory message...that desire is bad, but that women are good...is confusing and frustrating, especially if a woman has low self-esteem.
The Solution?
There are times when women need to produce. But I recommend that if feeling good in life is a priority, then women NEED to make time...a significant amount of time...for doing what has them feel good. I say embrace desire. Feel free to do what feels good in the moment...connect with friends, have a bubble bath, sip a warm tea while listening to your favourite music, whatever it happens to be. Take the craziness out by making desire (i.e., getting present to and receiving what you want) a good thing that is to be celebrated!
What Can Men Do?
To support your partner in knowing that she isn’t crazy, try to avoid judging her desire. When she is free to want what she wants, she will be happier and you will get the benefit of that too. This isn’t saying that you have to do whatever she asks. Of course not. Just try to get behind what she wants. Encourage her.
It’s normal for men to have some natural resistance when asked for something, especially when it seems like a tall order. Try not to let this rule the day. If a “hard” NO is all she can expect, the energy and vitality that attracted you to her in the first place will dissolve, which isn’t a good thing for either of you. Plus, the bigger the request, the more trust she is showing in you!
When you get this right, not only will she feel more comfortable in her own skin, but both of you will be happier and more connected. This is a critical piece of the puzzle that we talk about in the “Between Men and Women” Online Couples Communication Workshop.
If you, or someone you know, wants to put this process to work in growing connection and trust between partners, consider joining us this weekend, on May 30-31.
For more information, visit www.BetweenMenAndWomen.com, or to get your questions answered, feel free to call me at 403-455-9351 or email by replying to this message.
| 
