Hi Friend,
It's all too common in relationship for one partner to make the other partner wrong, or to feel that the other partner is making you wrong.
How this shows up in relationship is as either criticism...making someone else wrong...or defensiveness...reacting to being made wrong.
These two tendencies - criticism and defensiveness - when they are a normal and ongoing part of any relationship, are two of the most common indicators that a divorce may be on the horizon.
If you see either of these showing up in your relationship, you need to do something different. Something new needs to be put in the space to replace criticism and defensiveness with a way of being that is more empowering and sustainable.
If you've already taken the "Between Men and Women" Online Couples Communication Workshop, you already have that "something new", so here's a quick reminder...
In a nutshell, the answer is remembering that there will always be things that you and your partner will see differently. Seeing things differently is okay and perfectly natural. If there's no room for seeing things differently, it will be very difficult to not only listen and communicate in the moment, but to also stay connected in the long-term.
So in practice, how do you make seeing things differently okay?
A good starting point is to remember these three tips from the workshop: - Spinning Girl - Remember the optical illusion where you could see the dancing girl spin one way, while at the very same time your partner or others in workshop saw her spinning the opposite direction? That exercise was meant to illustrate how we can see things differently than our partner in real life. When these moments show up in your relationship, we suggested that one of you just call "Spinning Girl!" as a reminder that seeing things differently is okay and that that's all that's going on. There's no need to panic or to force one another to see things like the other person does.
- Be the Bowl - Guys, this one is for mostly for you. In the workshop we talked about how men can help women by being present to them...by being there to listen when things in her world are going amok. "Being the Bowl" is symbolic of how guys can be there to hold whatever she has to pour out without judgement, criticism or offering a fix (unless that's what she wants).
- Reflective Listening - Often criticism and defensiveness come from not listening...not truly. We hear the words, but we're too busy formulating our response to really get what the other person is saying. In it's essence, reflective listening is simply repeating to your partner what they just said before responding. This ensures that you "get" where the other person is coming from. "Getting" the other person does two things. First, it helps you understand each other, which can often diffuse tense situations on its own. Second, it ensures that your response is relevant and constructive rather than reactive.
That's just a quick reminder for those of you who have taken the "Between Men and Women" Workshop in the past.
If you haven't taken the workshop yet, I hope the above gave you some tips on how to prevent criticism and defensiveness in your relationship.
But three paragraphs won't really make the difference over the long term.
To fully experience true PEACE, CONFIDENCE and EASE in your relationship over the long-term, join us for the "Between Men and Women" Online Couples Communication Workshop on November 21-22, 2020.
In 12 hours of online instruction over 2 days, you will discover the secrets to living a relationship that's: - Free from Judgement
- Comfortable and Calm
- Energised with Trust and Self-Assurance
- Grounded and Stable
That's what you can expect when you understand: - The 4 ways of being that lead to divorce AND what to do about them.
- Physiological and neurological differences between men and women that lead to struggle and misunderstanding.
- What men and women want, and how to deliver it to your partner!
- Why understanding the "Sacred Circuit" is key to ending so much of the struggle you might be experiencing!
- Critical differences between how men and women operate in the world, and in relationship, the knowing of which can dramatically reduce common causes of friction, misunderstanding and hurt feelings!
And so much more that we'll talk about in the workshop. |
