Hey Friend, its your coach, Katya!
Ooooooweee this email has been brewing in me for some time.
I’ve recently noticed a pattern emerging with folks who have done a ton of self-development work but still aren’t getting the results they desire when it comes to dating and relationship and they don’t understand why!
Specifically, the kind of work that shows them how to identify “stories” and “narratives” that are limiting them.
They go to apply these principles to their dating life
...But because they have yet to address their poor boundaries and low self-worth when it comes to dating and romance and most likely their most intimate relationships...
They end up using their new “tools” in a backward way!
Here’s what happens...
They’re on a date…. Or exploring a new relationship…
And a major boundary of theirs is crossed by someone they’re getting to know.
They are disrespected, belittled, or completely disregarded.
They’ll let it roll off their shoulders (even after multiple offenses).
When sharing with me, they tell me how “they didn’t make any meaning out of what happened!”
Touting how they didn’t create a narrative about what this person did that was clearly inappropriate.
Demonstrating their non-reactiveness.
They tolerate this kind of behavior under the guise of bringing “love and compassion to others” and being "the bigger more evolved person".
When in fact, what they’re actually doing is communicating to themselves (and their date) that they do not value themselves.
They’re communicating that someone can walk all over them and it’s cool.
Meanwhile, I’m sitting here fuming at the bullshit they are tolerating... And appalled at all the “red flags” they have rationalized away to even find themselves in that situation...
Instead of creating a really strong boundary where it belongs!
It’s in this way that people mindfuck themselves further after they start doing self-development and try to apply these rules to their dating life.
Identifying “stories” or “narratives” that are limiting is important, and powerful.
...and it has to be appropriate.
It has to make sense!
When you’re dating you should be making meaning out of the things that people are doing!
(Yes, if you’re in a committed relationship it’s going to be beneficial for you to notice your narratives about the other person and let them go, and give this person the benefit of the doubt…. Because they’re your partner and you are committed to them!)
...But when you’re dating and meeting a total stranger.
You have no idea who this person is. You don’t know if they’re going to be good for you!
You need to make meaning out of the things they’re doing and saying to educate yourself on whether this person is going to be healthy for you.
Imagine you’re in a hiring role at your workplace and you’re interviewing someone for a position and they stroll in late and they tell you that they’ve been fired from their last 3 jobs and they have a holier-than-thou attitude.
You’re going to make that mean something!!
You’re going to make that mean that this person is probably NOT a good fit for your organization.
Which brings me back to your dating life.
You ARE interviewing this person.
You are trying to figure out if this person is going to be a good fit as a partner of the very important entity you’re creating. An entity called Relationship.
Consider that, in dating when we tolerate someone else's behavior, it's our way of deflecting our discomfort.
It’s our way of avoiding conflict or confrontation instead of saying “Hey, that doesn’t work for me!”
THAT IS THE GROWTH for people who have underdeveloped boundaries.
For people who are transforming their sense of self-worth when it comes to romance.
For people who suffer in relationships, who over-give, who never get their needs met, and find themselves with partners who don’t listen to them, cheat, lie, or continuously disrespect them.
That is your growth! Don’t mind-fuck yourself out of your growth and then blame it on the thought: “I’m not meeting any quality people”.
The quality people will come when you stand up for yourself!!
If you’re ready to stand up for yourself and own your value when dating, apply for an > > Effortless Attraction Session < < with me!
with gratitude,
Katya |
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