If you search on the interwebs for “dating advice for men” you’ll probably come across a whole bunch of articles / advice about “leading”.
“A Man Needs To Lead When He’s Courting A Woman.”(okay it probably doesn't say "courting" but hey I'm bringing that word back)
“Women Find A Man Who Can Lead Attractive.”
Etc.
You’ll probably also find a shit ton of information about how to do that.
Most of it will lead YOU down a wonky path
And make you think that you need “to do specific things” for her approval, or in order to get her to like you.
Which might be confusing and overwhelming.
You might feel like you have to plan intricate dates
Or have to always know what to do next
And while many men really enjoy doing these things naturally for the women they're dating, it may not quite fit for you.
Let me boil this concept down for you in a way that’s actually empowering.
Leading in dating and in relationship is actually very simple.
It’s simply knowing what you want and acting on it / asking for it.
What women really want and how you can easily lead is by….
Having preferences
Having opinions
Having specific tastes and passions
Knowing what you like and what you don’t like
Knowing what works for you and doesn’t work for you
Knowing where you want to go (short term and long term)
When a woman loses interest when you defer to her about what you guys should do on a first date...
What she’s actually saying is “It feels like I can’t trust you to make a choice and it's early in our relationship… Then how could I possibly trust you to make choices down the road?”
She might not be thinking this consciously… but she feels it in her bones.
When you know what you want you become someone who is trustworthy.
She can look to you and understand what's important to you and "get" who you are.
She can also see who you are NOT, which is powerful information for the both of you.
She can understand you as a person.
She can learn about how you need to be supported and loved.
She can relax because she has a sense of where you might take her… not just on a date, but in life!
So, while taking the lead may feel a bit nerve-wracking
Just remember it is in your best interest.
It is in your best interest to choose a restaurant and then have her tell you she wants to go to a more expensive one(this is important information about her values and preferences and you can then see if they are in alignment with yours)
It’s in your best interest to tell her your 5 year plan so that she can see if that’s a journey that aligns with hers.
Or that you don't want to have kids(or do)...
Or that you want someone who values travel and has lifestyle flexibility.
By now, you might be noticing the fear that gets in the way of leadership.
The fear of loss.
That you might say or do something that then wards away this person.
Because now you are being intentional and specific.
And yes...
You will lose out on some women when you operate from this place.
You might lose out on many.
But you will also be doing something that's pivotal….
If your quest is that one special partner who’s perfectly tailored for you.
You will become a lighthouse for her shining bright with clarity and purpose.
Illuminating the path for her to easily spot you and find her way to you.
with gratitude,
Katya
PS Here's a pic of me with some seals in La Jolla. |
