If you recently went through a breakup with a fearful-avoidant partner you’re probably feeling pretty confused.
Asking yourself questions like…
How do they feel about me?
Out of all of the attachment styles, FA’s are the ones that leave their partners most confused because of their continuous “hot and cold” behavior.
Even if they didn’t break up with you a bunch of times…
They may have flip-flopped in the relationship enough to leave you in a state of shock trying to figure out what their real thoughts and feeling are about you.
The wreckage can be a lot to parse through.
There are typically three phases that an FA goes through after a breakup.
These phases can inform you of where they are mentally and emotionally.
...And the chances that they might come back.
The first phase the Fearful Avoidant goes through post-breakup is the “Freedom Phase”.
This is the initial phase and the phase that I would NOT reach out during if you’re thinking about reconciling.
This is because one of the FA’s core wounds is the fear of being trapped or caged. The ultimate deactivation strategy in response to these big emotions is leaving the relationship.
That means when they first get out of a relationship they reconnect to their need for freedom. They feel relieved, and relish not having anyone to answer to anyone.
Even if you didn’t consciously try to “trap” or “control” your ex this is what they’ll most likely feel fresh out of the relationship...
In response to either too much intimacy, a conflict that feels frightening, or a partner with poor boundaries who is activating too quickly during conflict.
The more dysregulated the FA is, the more likely they won’t be able to distinguish between a growing healthy level of intimacy vs. a relationship that is unhealthy, or a partner who is controlling.
It’s usually at the end of a relationship when the FA will feel most cagey.
Anxious-Preoccupied partners are often very sensitive to how an FA feels and while FA’s typically deactivate by moving away from the relationship. AP’s often become activated and move towards the FA.
So it becomes a bit of a cat and mouse type of dynamic.
It’s in this first phase that you want to give the FA space and if you are an AP give yourself the space to deactivate.
It is in this phase that the Fearful Avoidant is validating their decision to distance themselves from the relationship. They are more connected to being right about their decision and their POV about you and your relationship.
Tomorrow, I’ll dive into Phase 2 the Fearful Avoidant goes through post-breakup.
Did you find this breakdown helpful? Let me know by replying to this email.
