The Story of Fish Tank Jim 🐟
I once dated a guy named Jim (name changed to protect the innocent ;) ).
Jim was successful. He had a great job. He came from a loving family. Jim was incredibly handsome, in shape, and physically I was veeeerrrry attracted to him.
Jim was also kind and chivalrous. He was a gentleman but he wasn't push-over. He knew what he wanted and would go for it.
Aka Jim had his shit together and he had a lot of great qualities.
Jim also wanted to get married and have a family! What?!
Yes. He was ready and serious but he wasn't in a rush. I mean come on!!!!
...All of those things were really wonderful about Jim.
But strangely enough the thing I liked most about him was his obsession with his salt-water fish tank.
I loved hearing him talk about his oceanic critters.
I delighted in the fish-tank saga of what it took to get his giant tank into his condo, how he gingerly put it together, down to the painstaking process of making salt water that actual life can grow in.
There was also the mystery of the disappearing fish... well it turns out it got eaten by the starfish.
I loved Jim's passion. His face lit up when he talked about it.
I thought it was sexy!
I learned so much about him as he told me these stories... how methodical and patient he was. How much he loved research. I really dug this mad scientist part of Jim.
In fact, I desired more of this from him!
A lot more.
See one of my love languages is… let’s call it “sharing an exploratory mindset" - Exploring different thoughts and ideas, sharing knowledge, understanding one another, teaching each other.
I would say this is not just a love language but a core value. I share this value with my closest friends. In fact, it has been the foundation for my most important relationships.
As Jim and I continued to get to know each other it became clear that my core values were not going to be shared at the depth that I craved.
I would only see glimmers of this type of connection between us.
We would go on dates and do things that people who are exploring a relationship do... but that time spent together(at least for me) felt like we were going through the motions.
So I ended things because as good as Jim looked we were never going to have a meaningful friendship intertwined with our romantic connection.
We had a conversation.
He asked me some questions to better understand what I was feeling.
He acknowledged me for trusting my intuition.
We discussed being friends and decided that wasn’t really a fit.
And that was that.
So what shall we gleam from this story?
What’s the lesson in all this…?
Jim is a high self-esteemed man. He knew better than to try to change my mind or worse... change himself and try to make things work.
I have NO doubt in my mind that Jim will find his person because…
He knows who he is. He separated my opinion of him and of our relationship from who he is as a person and what he has to offer.
He didn’t blame the ending on himself or try to twist himself around and be someone different.
He is committed and he knows HIS person is out there. I know this because we chatted about a month or so later and he shared he was back in action on the dating app.
And for me…
I had the experience of being true to my values.
I made a congruent choice to end the relationship that didn't feel aligned.
Which also fit perfectly with the promise I made to myself after my last relationship that I would accept a man “exactly how he IS and exactly how he ISN’T or I wouldn’t be in that relationship.
If you’d like a dating life where you stay true to your values and know how to communicate your truth in a compassionate way...
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