Do you watch the show Big Mouth on Netflix?
If you don’t I highly recommend it. It’s a show about kids hitting puberty and the often confusing, awkward transformation that comes with that stage of life.
In Season 2 there’s a character called The Shame Wizard.
He looks like the grim reaper and he comes in and points out the “inappropriate” things that the kids are doing in their fledgling attempts to explore their sexuality, grow into themselves, and start to notice and form relationships with the opposite(and same) sex.
He blankets them with the spell of shame.
Telling them they’re bad and wrong!
Making them contract, drop their heads, go inwards as the emotion of shame deepens and takes root within them.
Recently, I have been on an exploration of the emotion of shame in my own life.
I have seen it operate in my world, covering everything in a thick fog, blurring my vision and my joy. There’s a heaviness to it.
I have noticed the big chunks of my life that were cloaked in shame and the impact that had on my quality of life and relationships.
Where does shame come from?
For me, it’s origins I can trace back to slivers of memories…
Having my best friend turn on me and beat me up at school while kids watched.
Being ostracized from my social circle and feeling completely isolated at school.
Walking down the halls hearing whispered insults called out... things like "slut" and "whore"(mind you I was 12 and didn't even understand the full impact of those words). I would come home everyday and weep into my pillow.
Or when my boyfriend and I broke up and he spread nasty rumors about me within our social circle.
Our formative years are a vulnerable and impactful time that shapes us for years to come.
...and kids are rarely taught how to powerfully deal with these very painful and confusing moments.
...And while these events are in the PAST.
May even seem insignificant to us as adults… they are not insignificant to the 5 / 12 / 17 year old that lives on within us.
These moments linger on and haunt us…
These are the moments that build calluses around what it looks like to have "close" relationships.
They obstruct our vulnerability and tell us “it’s not safe”.
They own us!
Until they are inspected and healed.
(because shame is inherent in humans, we will never “get rid of it”… we just get better at spotting it and stopping it from owning us)
...AND our wounds are the reason why it might be difficult to go for what we want in romance.
The area where we carry a surplus of acute, stored pain and heartbreak.
Which makes us…
Avoid rejection at all cost… because we want to spare ourselves the pain and often the feeling of humiliation that comes with putting ourselves out there.
Withhold from our partner what we want in bed for fear that they'll deem us repulsive.
Reserve sharing our accomplishments, or our struggles because we’re either bragging, or a “debbie downer”.
I’m struck with “I wish this post was more fun!”
Which brings me back to the show….
I was telling my friend about Big Mouth and about The Shame Wizard and how it allowed me to deepen my understanding of shame, and how I thought it was funny that I was getting educated about shame from a TV show.
He said, “comedy has a way of making our shadow more palatable” (he’s super wise like that)
...And I thought "YEAH! That’s so true."
When we can “make light” of our humanity it really helps take the edge off.
I’m curious, what’s your relationship to shame?
Are there any areas where you see it dominating your life?
How do you negotiate with it?
Hit "reply" to this email. I would love to hear.
with gratitude,
Katya |
