I was having a conversation some time ago with someone who was interested in working with me.
As the conversation progressed I got the vibe that this person really wanted me to "let them have it" and...
In a way, annihilate them with the truth!
And wake them up from their slumber!
They wanted me to give them the “answer” about "what was wrong with them" that then would turn their love life around.
Needless to say, I didn’t do that and we didn't end up working together.
That conversation really stuck with me, though.
...and it’s one that I ended up bringing to my Coach to unpack.
It’s taken me some time to really understand what was happening in our dynamic.
…but today a friend wrote a post that allowed me to complete this exploration.
People cannot be forced, pushed, cajoled into changing.
They have to choose it.
They have to lean into it.
They have to deeply want it.
This is why I don’t work with people who need to be “shaken” to pay attention and do the work.
By the way, there’s nothing wrong with being in that space. I have been there myself.
But it’s a drudgery to work with people who need to be carried.
I know because I have also been that client. It sucks! ...for everyone.
People cannot be saved.
The illusion that they CAN is bought into by the caretakers of this world.
...and we all have a caretaker inside of us.
They buy into that illusion because they also view people as weak and fragile.
Because deep down they see themselves as weak and fragile.
...the victim inside us all.
And there’s nothing wrong with that, either.
It is a part of our humanity.
That being said until we make friends with these parts of ourselves we have a really skewed perception of what getting support(and giving it), feeling supported, deeply loved and cared for looks like.
We unconsciously seek out people who we can play out our “un-healed” shadow roles with in...
A mentor
A partner
A friend
Yet, in those relationships we carry a deep dissatisfaction. We know that something about the dynamic feels off(sometimes its extreme, sometimes subtle).
We find partners who we have constant turmoil with. It might not be that there’s anything wrong with the partnership… but the shadow roles that continue to play out unchecked, blanket what might be a great relationship.
We find guides to support us…. But then are disappointed in the investment because they’re not carrying us the way we secretly hoped they would.
We have friendships where we don’t feel heard but can’t figure out how to transform them or move away from them.
...and the common thread under all of this is it’s THEM not ME.
Which is where the REAL conversation begins.
What if it is ME?!
...and what can I do about it?
That’s a conversation that we have some semblance of control over.
That’s a conversation that can move mountains.
That’s a conversation where real change begins.
PS If you’re ready to have to have THIS conversation then shoot me a pm and let’s dig in.
with gratitude,
Katya
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