Hey Friend,
The concern about being too selfish is a theme in my work with clients.
My clients are givers. Giving is a part of their identity.
To “take” feels sacrilegious to them.
Unfortunately or fortunately being “selfish” IS the path to what they want!
Attracting and having a healthy “give and take” relationship.
I know, sounds crazy but hear me out!
I think most people have a skewed idea of what being selfish IS.
...and that makes total sense that they think that being selfish is a bad thing… the definition of selfish is - “lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.”
Ain’t nothing sexy about that!
So let’s take a look at what I think people actually mean when they use the word “selfish".
What they really believe is that “taking care of themselves first” is selfish.
Which it is not!
Here’s why….
People often think that agreeing to something that genuinely doesn’t work for them is a selfless act when it is not.
Because most people aren’t present to the internal repercussions they experience when they agree to something
(ie to a task, go to a thing, agree with what someone is saying when it isn’t their truth, etc)
that internally is a “no” for them.
The side effect is often a slew of things that actually creates more problems in the relationship when we consistently go against our internal “no”... to be a “yes” for someone else.
One is resentment. We resent the other person for “making us” do something that we didn’t want to do in the first place.
(And If we think that the people can’t feel our resentment then think, again.)
We feel icky inside because we just went against our inner guidance system, our personal integrity, our boundaries.
When we say “yes” when we’re a “no” we also teach people how to treat us and what they can count on us for. This creates habits, tacit agreements and repetitive ways of relating to one another that may not be authentic to the relationship.
So if we think we're doing someone a favor by saying “yes” when it’s truly a no!
Remember this...
Putting our needs first is a good thing.
It creates balance in the relationship.
It creates a natural flow of give-and-take. (I actually prefer “give and receive”.)
Receiving is a natural extension of giving. They are inextricable.
All relationships need balance to thrive and to feel nourishing for both parties.
If you’re having a hard time “putting yourself first” in relationship but you know that this could be the way to have the kind of love you want…. apply for an > > Effortless Attraction Session < < with me.
with gratitude,
Katya |
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