When my work with people on finding a partner ends…. The next chapter for creating a solid foundation for lasting love begins.
I asked my client to go and ask his new girlfriend a simple question…. Ask her what her strengths and weaknesses are in relationship and share yours!
He had a lot, A LOT of fear come up around this request… in fact, he avoided it for a couple of weeks. He feared that she would share something that he wouldn’t know how to be with, or that she would give him a BS answer and then he would feel she was hiding something.
Most of all, though, he feared sharing his own weaknesses, that sharing his imperfections would render him exposed and defenseless.
Regardless, he decided to face his fear in a beautiful and unconventional way. I can't make this stuff up... and feel fortunate that my clients are way more creative than I am! : )
I got permission to share this beautiful story anonymously! For now, this gentleman will go by the name of Hans Solo.
Hans: My feet were burning. I mean, I felt like they were on fire most of the time. I had to get up enough courage to do it. And I did it! And I will give you the rundown on that, but before I do, I want to tell you what tipped me over to doing it.
Hans: You know our conversation about my Dad - particularly the comment I was stuck on when my Dad told me I could "do better”? Your comment to me was, "he didn’t say you needed to be perfect… he said you could do better!" That’s a legitimate statement to make. I realized that the interpretation that I was left with for the rest of my life was that I needed to be perfect.
Hans: You also shared with me that “people are doing the best they can with the tools that they have.” and so was my father, and that really stuck with me.
Hans: So, that day after we hung up I went to my father’s graveside and I said to him, “Dad, I appreciate your toolbox. You obviously did the best you could with the tools you had, and the tools you had were as a result of your interaction with your mother and daddy. Now I have a toolbox that I’m rearranging and I’m going to improve upon our toolbox.
I forgive all the the misinterpretations I had about what you did and how you did it because deep down I now realize that you always had my best interests at heart.
Hans: It was an unbelievable catharsis. I stood at my father's stone and wept. I said, "you know there are certain things you bury and one of the things you have to bury is resentment. Which then allows you to rearrange your toolbox so it's most expedient."
Hans: That gave me the impetus to get up with my girlfriend... And you’ll get a big kick out of this!
Hans: I bought two little tool boxes. One was labeled old and and one was labeled new. Inside on little folded up sheets of paper I wrote down my strengths and weaknesses, old and new.
Hans: And she looked at them and she said, "well what are these for?!"
Me: *I'm in tears at this point* You’re making my day right now! I love the creativity!
Hans: I’ll tell you, it's a good thing you sent me that last conversation because I must’ve listened to it at least 5 times. It was chock-full of what I would call "meat and potatoes", no fluff!
Hans: You are wonderful in terms of how you pull things out of me; things that make a lot of sense when I sit down and think about them. I want you to know that regardless of our future encounters you’ve done what you needed to do and the money was well worth spending!
Me: Well, we’re not even done yet!
Hans: Something else I wanted to mention to you which I thought was critical, and which is still a work in progress: you said that I had the keys to the castle… In other words, I’m the leader in a relationship… the captain of the ship and, of a the sudden, after listening to it a few times, I said, "you know that’s very true and if I'm the leader, then I need to lead by example."
Hans: Anyway, I looked her in the eyes and I said, "I’m falling in love with you and I need to know your strengths and weaknesses." She looked at me and she said, "No one I’ve dated has ever asked me that, I appreciate you wanting to know!" I told her that I want to be transparent and that I want her to be transparent.
Why did I ask my client to have this conversation?
I asked him because I don’t want him to have just any relationship… I want him to have one that lasts.
...and that takes seeing beyond the chemistry and the false sense of temporary security that it provides.
Some of the best ways to stay grounded in a new relationship are by asking the right questions, nurturing your future relationship that WILL have its hiccups, and teaching each other how you want to be loved!
I’m also sharing this because sometimes there’s actually “something” in the way of creating the level of intimacy and transparency you desire! And that “something” is usually yours to own and is within your control.
Hans was actually unwilling to be this open until he untangled and resolved the conversation between him and his father and gave up his resentment.
Now, he gets to lead in his relationship! He gets to be vulnerable and forthright and gets to discover his partner, and be seen in a way that wasn't possible before.
If you're ready to build a solid foundation for lasting love with a special lady and you'd like customized 1-on-1 support on making that happen....
Go ahead and fill out an application for an >> attraction assessment session here << and let's get started!
with gratitude,
Katya
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