It was mid-December when I quickly clicked the button and selected seats for the book tour I’d been waiting for.
This messenger’s psychological and neurobiological approach to the primary story that defined my identity has opened portals of healing since 2017 when I first found his lectures on Genesis.
I’m so ready for the next one, I cheered as I added my credit card details and recalled the visceral experience of his words creating bridges between (and eventually stitching together) parts of me developed in very different environments, to play very different roles in The Great Story I was raised to believe was THE STORY.
My fear-of-hell-ridden child was put at ease.
My miracle-participating teenager… celebrated.
My critical-thinking university honors student… invigorated.
My child-development-focal teacher-in-training… honored.
My deliberate-and-dismissed mother… high-fived.
My transformational facilitator… reignited.
Everyone invited back to the table,
the CONSCIOUS wrestling match could begin.
What do we all believe about
The Great Story and our role in of it?
Child: Good girls get good things… or at least avoid punishment… so always follow the rules and be good.
Teenager: We’re made in the image of God, so we should act like it. He said, “Greater things than these shall you do,” and it’s up to us to make the good stuff happen!
Student: It’s not that cut and dry. These things aren’t true all the time, or in every circumstance.
Teacher: What was the context for all of that? Let’s think our way through this: intention, action, virtue.
Mother: I’m not sure about my own answers, but I’m gonna do everything I can to keep your mind and heart free of unnecessary limits, Big Man.
Facilitator: It’s the questions and the process of engagement, rather than the outcome, that makes it all meaningful.
Around this table, for the last six-plus years, these parts have wrestled with each other and Reality Itself as I’ve navigated life as a woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter and sister, a friend, and ESPECIALLY as an entrepreneur/messenger and guide.
Why does Uncertainty always have to be
in the mix with Inspiration, or does it?
Are we supposed to “act as if” in perfect faith that it’s so,
or is the next step of leaning into our strengths (and discovering our liabilities) enough to move forward?
Do we really need this mentor,
or is the answer really already within us?
We are solely responsible for our thoughts, feelings,
and reactions… and making ourselves feel safe.
But what’s our responsibility and method of repair
of ourselves, others, and our relationships?
What’s the healthiest way to engage our own and others’ shadows, and integrate them as allies?
Is Destiny only happening when it all
lines up and feels magical and easy,
and I should walk away or surrender when it’s not?
Or is the struggle and suffering just part of it,
and I need to accept that maybe certain dreams are
not in the cards for me… at this time… or ever?
What’s my part in my Destiny,
and how much say do I actually have?
What is true leadership? Service? Strategy?
Agreements and accountability?
Organizational hierarchy, or collaboration?
Can all of these exist at once,
and can they all exist inside me?
The wrestling match is real, which is why the title of this messenger’s next book immediately resonated with me:
We Who Wrestle with God.
It hearkens, of course, to the story of Jacob who stole his brother’s birthright/blessing and whose redemption was sealed by a wrestling match with an “angel” in which he earned the name Israel, which means “he who wrestled with God,” and a limp.
And by the time I arrived in the auditorium last night, I was in a proverbial headlock and ready to tap out.
You see, I’ve been working on a new brand—The Story Oracle—since last June when a very deep narrative healing experience with a client’s project inspired me to tell the world about the power of Story, Writing, and Community.
The trick is, to do it effectively, I have to be paid to speak and facilitate.
I knew I had everything except the knowledge of how the speaking business works, so I hired a company to teach me.
And for about 8 months, I’ve been knocking my head against the wall…
At every turn, I realized they weren’t delivering on their promise.
The coaching was over-generalized and not helpful to the particular needs I’d made clear before signing up.
The leads were not the warm ones I told them I was hoping to get out of the program during the sales call.
The experience is more of a “here’s a recipe for you to go and do this” than it is a “oh here, we’ll partner the right expertise with you to get this done.”
A few hours before we left for the book tour, my disappointment turned to a fever pitch of rage when I realized yet again, this is not what I signed up for and I would have to figure out and then do yet another thing alone.
Old fury about this industry spiked.
This is why so many people find me when they are tens and hundreds of thousands of dollars in, facing relational and financial ruin, because of the big investments and no return.
All morning, I raged.
Then, in the car on the way to the event, I thought, You know what? F ‘em. I’m going to… and I strategized my next steps, one of which is eventually doing what I’ve always felt like I needed to do—expose the disempowering crap happening everywhere in the self- and business-development industry.
And then I sat in the auditorium, and he confirmed it:
“Whatever responsibility you refuse to take
will be taken by tyrants and used against you.”
What is my responsibility in this?
Yes, they made promises and haven’t delivered on them.
But, what parts could I have taken responsibility for that I didn’t?
Perhaps I wasn’t clear enough about what I wanted out of the program.
Maybe I didn’t ask enough questions about their approach or process—about how much of this was recipe/formula and how much was done-with-you.
It’s possible that I assumed that they would get in the trenches with me because that’s what I do with my clients.
Shit.
Twenty-year-old lectures and debates about how to overthrow a tyrant without becoming one resurfaced, and I began to think about this worthiness conversation running in the background of 2024.
This quest is worthy of my time and energy
because WE are worthy…
…of receiving the services and support
we request and pay for…
But also…
…of the wrestling matches that
every single inspiration seems to catalyze within.
Are we worthy of the quest, and do we know it to the point of FEELING it?
Are we worthy of the training and camaraderie we require to complete the quest?
Are we worthy of the wrestling match with the shadows that want to make a scene (and in some cases should) and the effort to speak up with enough grit and grace that we can be heard?
Are we worthy of the destiny that calls and the self-leadership required to keep going, even in the face of no agreement?
“The world depends on your aim.
It’s a terrible thing to know,
and now you know it.”
Those last words may as well have been a punch to the gut.
Truly, a terrible thing to know.
And now you know it too.
You’re welcome.
I’m sorry.
Let’s get in the arena together and aim AT OUR IDEAL.
