"The truth will set you free,
but first it will piss you off."
~ Dr. Sharon ~
Gut-busting laughter made me pull the phone away from my ear just a smidge.
"I know, right?" Smiling to myself, I counted three full minutes of gasping giggles, snorts, and "Hold on. I can'ts..." before she caught her breath.
This team member and I were talking about a new client's project and my excitement about its direction. In my high-level overview of it, I was telling her how one part of the book will immerse the reader in the five responses of a hijacked nervous system.
"Five? Fight, flee, freeze... and...?"
"Well, there's Fix or some folks call it Fawn. We try to appease the person or situation posing the threat..."
"Oh yeah, we know that one well, don't we?"
"Mmmmmhmmmm... and then her fifth response is Fake-"
"Fake?"
"Yeah, we feel too vulnerable to let anyone know we feel unprepared to meet the threat, so we fake it...." I could hear she was still working. "You know, like so many of the folks in this expert, guru, and thought leader industry..."
That was it. I actually heard all of the tumblers click into place just before she broke into this uncontrollable fit of laughter.
When she caught her breath, the words tumbled out, "OMG, Amanda! That's what I've done my entire life... and I imagine the more visible someone becomes in this industry, the harder it is to stop doing it..."
"Yep, and then the messaging in the industry is filled with 'Fake it 'til you make it.' Don't get me wrong, like all of the other nervous system responses, it's a really solid strategy, especially for those moments when we know we have to pull ourselves together for the task at hand..." I took a deep breath as the memories flashed "...but it's a disastrous default for living and especially for trying to change the world."
The problem is that some of us get stuck
in these hijacked responses.
Maybe because of the sheer number of threats to our sense
of safety and belonging that we experience in a day.
Perhaps because that first trauma response
oh-so-long-ago worked and became the default.
Either way, it boils down to this...
It's just "easier" to pull ourselves together for others, and tell ourselves that we'll figure out how to fix the mess inside later,
or maybe it will just go away if we keep acting as if it's all good long enough.
But when we default to this path, we feel like a LIAR.
We know what's really going on, but we tell the little lie.
But there always comes a point when
the only thing more painful than keeping the lie up
is telling the truth.
And by that time...
- the lies have stacked up
- the feelings of being unknown have intensified
- the stakes are often much higher
So, instead of facing the truth...
- we hide from others... and ourselves
- we tell ourselves to keep going... "it will be over soon"
- and, in the process, we begin to "kick our [own] asses"
(Isn't that what we might call those parts of us that are messy, underdeveloped, and unwelcome?)
And that's when "the show" gets really painful
to LIVE and to WATCH.
That's why this scene from one of my favorite movies
still makes me laugh until I cry.
It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes
from Dr. Jordan B Peterson:
“Failure to make the proper sacrifices,
failure to reveal yourself,
failure to live and tell the truth—
all of that weakens you.
In that weakened state,
you will be unable to thrive in the world,
and you will be of no benefit to yourself or to others.
You will fail and suffer, stupidly.”
I've lived it and I've watched it...
...with new messengers who don't feel confident yet
...with seasoned messengers being invited to their next level
...with gurus who have been faking it for so long that the consequences of the truth have been too much to bear
I've been asking myself how to change this for a decade,
and my answer until now has been:
I'm gonna do my own work to align with the Truth,
and be an ally for my clients trying to do the same.
But now, I believe this book that Aaron and I are launching on is my best attempt to change this to date.
What if we taught our children about these responses,
helping them identify and celebrate their natural feelings?
(That's chapter one -- Uncertainty.)
What if we encouraged them to lean into their superpowers, but beware of their kryptonite, as they face the threats?
(That's chapter two -- Self-Knowledge.)
What if we nurtured their curiosity, critical thinking, and confidence, so they have the tools to face their threats?
(That's chapter three -- Training.)
What if we showed them how to be vulnerable in relationships and ask for help, or forgiveness, or both?
(That's chapter four -- Camaraderie.)
What if we showed them how to come back from a mistake...
that it's possible to come back from the shadows?
(That's chapter five -- Redemption.)
What if we invited them to follow their conscience,
so they are practiced at staying true to their compass?
(That's chapter six and seven -- Destiny and Leadership.)
And what if we gave them the gift of being their first ally?
Not as a teacher, an instructor, or even as the parent.
But as another vulnerable human who experiences challenges
and pain, and is doing their best to let the truth set them free
...even if it does piss us off first.
The book launches July 1st and there are 3 WAYS
to join in the fun over the next two weeks and beyond.
Click on the events below to register!
Hope to see you there!
