I slammed the phone down and dropped onto the couch, utterly exhausted.
Well, that seemed completely futile, I thought to myself as I reflected on the difficult conversation I’d just had.
I’d just spent two hours trying to help a very concerned loved one understand why I was no longer going to church and had chosen not to raise my son in my childhood religion.
I presented a damn good case, too. I shook my head as I reflected on how carefully I’d constructed and delivered my argument.
Everything I'd learned about childhood development, effective education practices, and the formation of one’s self-image had led me to the conclusion that I simply could not put myself [and no way in hell was I gonna put my little kid] in environments where all of the time and focus was spent looking at our “sinful nature” and receiving the message that we don’t measure up or deserve the love and grace of God.
“How could that be healthy for a developing psyche?” I’d asked. “Why not focus on and nurture the divine image within that is there to help others, to create, to change the world? To ‘go and do greater things’ than the Son of God has done? Isn’t that what we were asked to do?”
There had been a lot of pregnant pauses in the conversation, which told me that I was at least creating some cognitive dissonance for this person. But they wouldn’t budge.
As I had listened to their well-practiced message, I’d wondered to myself, How many of their life challenges are tied to this focus on everything that’s wrong with them, instead of all of the innate gifts and power they have to better themselves and the world around them. In their mind, their only saving grace is for God to move on their behalf. But what if God INSPIRES and we are the ones who have to believe in ourselves and what He’s put in us to make our lives and this place better than they are right now?
I’d found myself in a deeper place of compassion and concern for them by the time they got to the final blow, “What’s going to happen to your son if you don’t raise him to know God?”
“Well, I don’t think I said anything about depriving him of the opportunity to know God.” I paused, feeling the exhaustion hit me like a brick, and made the decision to end the call. “I hear what you’re saying and I definitely appreciate your love and concern. But this is the decision we’ve made as Aaron’s parents, and my request is that you respect it. That means...”
When I had finished articulating the specifics of our boundary, there was another long pause before they said, “I hope we can talk about this again soon.”
“Alright, I think it’s time for me to go. I love you. Goodbye.”
No, I don’t think we will talk about this again… you know, until I have to correct them for violating our boundary, which I know they will. This belief system is so deeply ingrained. They probably won’t be able to help it.
I took a deep breath and silently prayed for guidance. In no time at all, I had my answer.
I’m done arguing and defending. I’m just gonna live my life and raise my child in this more empowered way. I can’t change them or their beliefs, but I can mitigate the impact of them by preparing Aaron and inviting him to ask me any questions that arise when he’s with them. And someday, if this experiment works, they will see the results. “By their fruit will you know them.” If our fruit is healthier and more vibrant, that might be the only way to make this case. We’ll just live this way. We’ll be the change, rather than spend all of our energy defending our choices.
As soon as I made the decision, the heaviness lifted out of my body and mind.
It was a hard-earned lesson, but I’m glad I learned it in my twenties.
All that energy that I had been spending preparing arguments and defenses for my choices…
All that energy I had been spending in conversations that seemed to go nowhere…
All that energy I had been spending recovering from those conversations…Suddenly, it was all mine to use toward my goals for myself, my child, and my life and work.What does this mean for Change-Makers?
Most change-makers I work with [and watch on the bigger stages] have big visions for big paradigm shifts in big systems. In other words, they spend a lot of time and energy on the MACRO.We are called to our change-making work because we have eyes to see how big systems -- religious, political, social, educational, medicine, business, etc. -- are creating, or at least perpetuating, disempowered beliefs and behaviors. We also see the impact of not addressing these disempowered beliefs and behaviors -- the devastating tolls on our individual and collective well-being in every sense of that word.So, we develop our plans to change or revolutionize the big systems, and we go to work.And often times, we find ourselves struggling to implement new paradigms and policies, and spending so much energy preparing our cases, defending our choices, and looping in conversations with people who can’t see what we see.Am I suggesting that we stop
developing new paradigms and policies?
No.
Am I suggesting that we stop
preparing solid cases for these new approaches?
Nope.
Am I suggesting that we stop
conversing with people who struggle to see a new way?
No way.
So, what the hell are you trying to say, Amanda?
I’m suggesting that we don’t lose sight of the MICRO while we work on the MACRO.
You see, that day that I made the decision to stop arguing and defending my new paradigm and start living my message, I was just getting started. My paradigm was an ideal that I was just beginning to develop and integrate into my approach to parenting. It would be years before I would begin to find true freedom from my old paradigm and starting living in the new one in my own personal life and work [MICRO]. And, I really believe it would have taken much longer had I been spending so much of my time and energy trying to shift the more MACRO levels of family or even religion.
But once I did make some progress,
and got a taste of that freedom and vitality,
these conversations about changing
beliefs and behaviors became a lot easier.
Instead of me defending a disembodied ideal,
I was sharing from the experience of
the work it takes to embody this ideal.
Those who had been around long enough to witness the before-and-after transformation began to lean in and listen in ways that I could not “make them” before that.
In other words, when we focus on the MICRO
in addition to the MACRO,
we stay focused on embodying our ideals in our own bodies, minds, hearts, beliefs, and behaviors.
We become the change we want to see and
THAT is what actually makes the shifts
at the MACRO level possible.
Two of my favorite messengers say this in two different ways:
Dr. Jordan Peterson says...
"My sense is that if you want to change the world, you start with yourself and work outward because you build your competence that way. I don't know how you can go out and protest the structure of the entire economic system if you can't keep your room organized."
Dr. Niki Elliott says...
“Transformative leadership is the result of our willingness to prioritize well-being and mindful self-awareness and our capacity to maintain and lend a regulated nervous system to those we lead, especially in the face of uncertainty, conflict, and crisis. Our collective future becomes brighter when leaders recognize the responsibility and power we have to transform our personal well-being in order to create healing-centered environments for those we serve. As mindful leaders, we commit ourselves to addressing institutional injustices from a state of clarity, self-regulation, and collaboration.”
So now, I’d love to hear from you! Where do you see this MACRO vs MICRO approach depleting messengers and delaying progress?
Where do you see your own efforts to change the world being thwarted by this paradigm?
What comes up for you as you imagine having extra energy to spend taking care of you and embodying your ideals?
p.s.If you are enjoying these paradigm explorations, I would love to invite you to consider joining us for the next 90-Day Quest: Write to Right the World. We just finished the pilot program, and WOW! What an incredible journey to witness as these change agents explored the seven themes that affect how we lead in our homes and workplaces. Click HERE for more information.What Change Agents are Saying about It!
"This 90-day quest has served as a rigorous and in-depth
self-assessment for every area of my life that truly matters most.
The themes are mapped out in a way that engages principles that are far too often completely drowned out in the noise of our culture.
This program helped me look more carefully at the foundational and dynamic structure of my life, the ways I perceive the people and world around me, and the quality of my engagement with that reality. It
poked, prodded, and totally enhanced my honest evaluation of my story.
After all of this writing, processing, and balancing, I feel like I am feeling parts of myself in a whole other dimension. This was the perfect way to catapult me out of self-doubt and into my journey of self-trust this year. I also feel like I'm able to see others through a different lens of complexity which is actually making my life and relationship with them more simple. I've gradually built my faith in my own magic and abilities, and I am now believing more and taking tangible action based on trusting my intuition toward my goals. Thank you so much, Amanda! I am so glad I got to pilot this program with you for the first time ever." Alyssa CoelhoAuthor, Entrepreneur, Founder of The Lionheart Creations Foundation***"I decided to take this quest because The Wind whispered, and even though I did my very best to hush it, a clear message was received that it was time. What exactly it was time for, I had no idea.
Had I been given insight to the magnitude of what lay ahead, I would have turned-tail and run. The magnitude of what laid ahead
would have literally knocked me over and swept me away.
The waiting tsunami was patient, until I was ready.
I'm grateful beyond measure that I said yes because the quest gave me a safe space in which to explore, imagine, create, and manifest a highly-transformative experience – for myself and the collective shift all around me. When the tsunami swelled and threatened to drown me,
my fellow questers held steady, encouraged me to lean in,
and fashioned a life-vest that kept me afloat.
After all of the writing, processing, and balancing I am left thinking more positively about the future, feeling restored to factory settings, acting braver of all fronts, and spending more time marinating
in my authentic self. I find myself blessed to be recovering
from the weighty anchors of perfectionism and control.
The work in this quest is real, raging-fire-burning work, that helped me to rediscover myself – a renewed sense of purpose and stronger voice along with genuine connectedness to others. With the foundation that only a painfully-sweet journey can build, I feel ready for whatever is next. As a result of these 90 days of writing, my world is “righting” itself with regard to my marriage, my children, friends, colleagues, and an exciting shift in my flourishing career. Writing to Right My World was a powerful experience for which I am so thankful that I said y-e-s!"Lori Bonnevier, LCSW Entrepreneur, Child Advocate, Wife and Mother
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