I’d spent hours reading and re-reading, jotting down my questions and insights, and felt more ready than usual for the two-hour discussion with my professor and a dozen or so students.
I loved this book! It really spoke to my soul and helped me sort through some of my own experience and relationships, I thought as I pulled the book and my notepad out of my backpack and waited for my moment.
Feeling inspired and courageous, I broke from my normal performance as “quiet observer” and jumped in as soon as the stage had been set by the facilitator, “I really enjoyed this story. The journey of the main character was…”
The professor and all of my peers sat quietly. Some nodded their heads in agreement. Others looked down at their notes, looking confused or…
What is that look? Are they just surprised that I’m speaking and have an opinion? It almost looks like they think what I’m saying is dumb…? I wondered to myself as I finished sharing my thoughts.
“Amanda,” the professor started gently, “thank you for sharing your thoughts.” When he paused and appeared to be searching for the right words, my heart started to race. He usually just allowed the rest of the room to continue discussing the book. The only time he really stepped into the discussion was when it had gone too far off-course.
Gulp.
“Your reflections on the book and characters are well-thought out and articulated. However, I believe you may have missed some of the historical background of the story…”
He spent a good five minutes providing the details of the setting, the circumstances, and the challenges -- not of the character but of the author of the story. Though he was gentle and wise in his approach, my face flushed deeper and deeper shades of crimson while I resisted the urge to slip under the big table. Turned out that my interpretation was waaaaaaaaay off the mark.
“This is one of the traps of modern educational practices,” he said in conclusion. “Reading moving stories, relating to the characters, and even identifying themes that connect directly with our own experience does have its value, as Amanda has clearly shown us today. However, if we do not understand the historical background, then all we have are the subjective musings of readers who are looking through their own lenses of experience… at their own stories. In doing this, we fail to learn from history and the people who spent their days and sometimes decades capturing the realities of their time, setting, challenges, and beliefs so that we can glean wisdom necessary to build a brighter future. Amanda’s reflections and wisdom are absolutely worthy of consideration, but this is not what we’re here for. We’re here to learn from those who have gone before us, which means we need to understand where they came from, what formed their beliefs, what challenges they faced, what they did that worked [or didn’t]. We’re here to discuss their interpretation and intention, and not inject or measure our own until we’ve done that.”
It was an excruciating lesson,
but I’m glad I learned it at 19 years old.
These ten minutes listening to this professor changed the trajectory of my life. Not only did it inspire me to change my major to social science and become a history teacher, it forever changed the way I would interact with messages and, more importantly, PEOPLE.
Understanding that there was necessarily a difference between an authors’ intention and my interpretation, I learned to:
1) Do some homework before engaging books and other media. Who is the author/writer/creator? What is their story? Where did they come from? What shaped their beliefs? What inspired them to put pen to paper, paintbrush to canvas, or fingertips to instruments? What were they likely hoping I would take away from this experience? Then, and only then, can I understand their true intention. And you know what? Sometimes this homework exposes possible motivations that I would otherwise be blind to, which has literally saved me from following powerful leaders whose intentions are less than empowering and sometimes completely malicious.
2) “Suspend my own experience” [as much as possible]. This skill has not only helped me to understand the author’s/writer’s/creator’s true intention, but it has helped me to see how easy it is to project my experience, beliefs, and stories onto individuals and organizations in my everyday life. All we have is our lens that has been developed throughout our own stories of tragedies and triumphs, until we learn how to suspend it and get curious about other people’s.
3) Use curiosity to understand and empower. If we do not learn how [and why] to stop projecting, or at least mindfully question and manage the projections, we can find ourselves dealing out advice and support that is actually disempowering and even dangerous for others who do not have similar backgrounds and lenses through which they see the world. Disempowering because it’s based on assumptions that may be absolutely false. Dangerous because what works for us doesn’t always work for others; and what’s best for us in this moment might be the worst choice for those we are supporting.
What does this all mean for Change-Makers?
If we operate according to this old [and very natural and easy] paradigm of projecting our experience and injecting our own interpretations BEFORE WE UNDERSTAND THE TRUE INTENTION of the person or organization in front of us, we miss out on so much and we run some huge risks.
We miss out on the opportunity to grow beyond our own lens -- to learn from others whose experiences, challenges, beliefs, and achievements could help us become more empathetic, more powerful, more whole.
We run the risk of one-size-fits-all-ing people and leading them into decisions, relationships, businesses, and industries that “we see for them” [because of our own lens] but are actually not aligned with their own soul’s intention.
Twenty-two years after that moment with my professor,
I sat across from my 17-year-old son who is making
choices for his life path that both excite and terrify me.
They excite me because he is looking pretty confident and joyful about being in the driver’s seat of his life -- choosing a path that lights him up instead of the one that everyone has expected him to take. That light and confidence is what every mother wants to see in the eyes of their child and I’m grateful to witness it.
The choices terrify me because… well, I’ve never watched a 17-year-old do something like this and I’m doing my best to “do my homework to understand where he’s coming from and what assumptions he’s making [and challenge them to help him grow his lens], suspend my own experience and the lens and conditioned assumptions about what happens to kids who don’t take the expected path, and use my well-developed skill of curiosity to empower him to make the very best decisions that are aligned with his soul’s true intention.”
Yes, those ten crimson-red minutes and that lesson changed my life, setting the stage for me to become a more mindful change-maker… in my home and in my business of supporting others as they unfold their true intentions into the world.
And now I’d love to hear from you!
What does this concept of Intention and Interpretation bring up for you?
Have you ever been on the other end of someone assuming your intention through their own projections?
What might this new paradigm shift for you in
your home and your work?
p.s.
If you are enjoying these paradigm explorations, I would love to invite you to consider joining us for the next 90-Day Quest: Write to Right the World. We just finished the pilot program, and WOW! What an incredible journey to witness as these change agents explored the seven themes that affect how we lead in our homes and workplaces.
Click HERE for more information.
What Change Agents are Saying about It!
"This 90-day quest has served as a rigorous and in-depth self-assessment for every area of my life that truly matters most. The themes are mapped out in a way that engages principles that are far too often completely drowned out in the noise of our culture.
This program helped me look more carefully at the foundational and dynamic structure of my life, the ways I perceive the people and world around me, and the quality of my engagement with that reality. It poked, prodded, and totally enhanced my honest evaluation of my story.
After all of this writing, processing, and balancing, I feel like I am feeling parts of myself in a whole other dimension. This was the perfect way to catapult me out of self-doubt and into my journey of self-trust this year. I also feel like I'm able to see others through a different lens of complexity which is actually making my life and relationship with them more simple. I've gradually built my faith in my own magic and abilities, and I am now believing more and taking tangible action based on trusting my intuition toward my goals. Thank you so much, Amanda! I am so glad I got to pilot this program with you for the first time ever."
Alyssa Coelho Author, Entrepreneur, Founder of The Lionheart Creations Foundation
***
"I decided to take this quest because The Wind whispered, and even though I did my very best to hush it, a clear message was received that it was time. What exactly it was time for, I had no idea.
Had I been given insight to the magnitude of what lay ahead, I would have turned-tail and run. The magnitude of what laid ahead
would have literally knocked me over and swept me away. The waiting tsunami was patient, until I was ready.
I'm grateful beyond measure that I said yes because the quest gave me a safe space in which to explore, imagine, create, and manifest a highly-transformative experience – for myself and the collective shift all around me. When the tsunami swelled and threatened to drown me,
my fellow questers held steady, encouraged me to lean in, and fashioned a life-vest that kept me afloat.
After all of the writing, processing, and balancing I am left thinking more positively about the future, feeling restored to factory settings, acting braver of all fronts, and spending more time marinating
in my authentic self. I find myself blessed to be recovering from the weighty anchors of perfectionism and control.
The work in this quest is real, raging-fire-burning work, that helped me to rediscover myself – a renewed sense of purpose and stronger voice along with genuine connectedness to others. With the foundation that only a painfully-sweet journey can build, I feel ready for whatever is next. As a result of these 90 days of writing, my world is “righting” itself with regard to my marriage, my children, friends, colleagues, and an exciting shift in my flourishing career. Writing to Right My World was a powerful experience for which I am so thankful that I said y-e-s!"
Lori Bonnevier, LCSW
Entrepreneur, Child Advocate, Wife and Mother |
